my mother's runaway bride...

When you consciously (or unconsciously) forget unwanted memories, it's called motivated forgetting. Its a coping technique I am good at-- even before I first step in school.

I remembered my first days in school. I don't go straight to the classroom but hangs around that big tree where the school's humungous bell was hanging...by myself. Circling it, dancing around it as if playing with its soul. Then I'd stop. Runs back home. Gets the ire of my mother who never failed to send me back to school accompanied by a neighbor who--- would just drop me off by the school's gate entrance. And I'd be dancing with the tree again until it's time to go home.

I don't remember when I started to like school. But I am smart.

I am smart but I am and had always been my mother's runaway bride.

It was my mother's birthday yesterday. I was aware of it, I've always looked forward to that date especially when I started earning my own money and able to spend gifts for my mother. Unfortunately, I was stricken with the motivated forgetting plague.

I've done it again.

Did you really leave me again?

After all the seasons I spent waiting,

watching out the window,

listening at the door,

waiting for the news of your return.

For the news that you realized

that someone important was waiting for you?

A whole lifetime I’ve been waiting.

I can’t believe you’re not coming back

I can’t believe I’m supposed to stop waiting

I can’t believe you left me again.

Comments

I won't remember you....

I won’t remember you. I never remember anything that hurts me. Harsh huh! Acknowledging the pain and feeling it is one way but the easiest way there is when you have pain is to suck it up and forget about it. I did that. Done that. I learned to be cynical and stoical. I never remember anything that hurts me. When my father died, I only cried the day he was laid to rest. I cried hard in 2013 when I left my mother in a hospital bed without all her senses and memories…and the day she died. Crying helps. Instead of avoiding our feelings, we can simply feel them and forget about it. However, when events and circumstances overwhelm one to the point where they are an emotional wreck --- there’s always a medicine for it! So, Mrs. M got her dose. She passed away. It was sad. She was a happy soul. Someone just hurt me. I won’t remember you. I never remember anything that hurts me . G.

nothing is more...

Nothing is more.... needless to say, it is. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. So try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Maya Angelou G

Dialysis: damned if you do. dead if you don't!!!

Pat is screaming “cramps! cramps! cramps!” Then the machine just went ballistic and gaga with all its might --- beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep… it didn’t stop until I got my butt off my freakin’ throne in the station. I tried to troubleshoot the machine at the same time alleviating pat’s pain. Muscle cramps are a common complication of hemodialysis treatments. Patients may have it in their hands, calf, legs, toes but the worst is in the stomach. It’s hard to help patient when they have stomach cramps as you cannot relieved it by shaking or massaging their tummies, funny. The machine didn’t stop beeping and the patient continued complaining. The machine is complaining now--- its chambers are clotting! Arghhhhh. When Pat moved her arm moved and so the fistula rolled. Restarted her treatment with new lines and stuck her again with new needles. I know that’s double jeopardy huh but we have to do what we needed to survive. Cr

and so it goes...

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